How to write a eulogy that sounds like them

A eulogy is a short speech at a funeral or memorial about the person who died. You don't have to sum up their whole life or say everything. Your job is to help the people in the room remember who they were.

If you've been asked to give one, you're probably writing it in a few days, tired and grieving. This guide keeps it simple.

You don't have to get this perfect

Nobody in the room is grading you. They're on your side, and most of them are grateful it's you up there and not them.

A eulogy that is short and true does more than one that is long and polished. If all you can manage is three minutes and one story, that is enough. You can say so out loud: "I can't do Dad justice in a few minutes, so I'm going to tell you one thing about him."

Gather the stories first

Before you write a word, collect stories. The best eulogies are made of specific moments, and you won't remember them all on your own, especially now.

Call or message the people who knew them in different parts of their life: a brother or sister, an old friend, a neighbor, someone they worked with, a grandchild. Ask for one story, not a description. Questions that help:

• What's a story about them you've told other people?
• What did they always say?
• When did they make you laugh?
• What did they do for you that you never forgot?
• What would they be doing right now if they were here?
• What did they care about that most people didn't know?
• What were they like when they were young?

Write the answers down, or ask people to send a voice message or a few lines by text. Relatives who can't travel to the funeral are often glad to be asked.

Grief can blank out your memory. If you can't think of anything specific, start with ordinary things: what their kitchen smelled like, what they wore on weekends, the car they drove, how they answered the phone. Stories tend to come back once you picture a place.

Listen for their own words

The things a person used to say are often the most moving part of a eulogy. A phrase, a joke they told every Thanksgiving, the way they signed their cards.

Look for their words in what they left behind:

• Saved voicemails and voice messages
• Letters, cards and emails
• Notes in the margins of cookbooks or Bibles
• Videos from birthdays and holidays
• Recordings of them telling stories, or anything they wrote about their own life

If they told their life stories while they were alive, to a family member with a recorder, in a memoir, or with a service like Biographer, read or listen to them again now. Quoting one sentence in their own words can say more than a paragraph of yours.

Find the details only they had

Most eulogies say the person was kind, generous and loved their family. They probably were. But those words could describe almost anyone, and they slide past the listener.

A detail that could only be about this person does the work for you. Instead of "He was generous," try "He fixed every lawnmower on our street and never took a dollar. He just asked you to stay for coffee while he worked."

For each quality you want to mention, ask yourself: what is one thing they did that shows it? Then tell that instead.

A simple structure

You don't need an outline from a book. This shape works for almost any eulogy:

1. Who you are. One line: "I'm Ruth, Walter's daughter."
2. One thing that defined them. A habit, a phrase, a picture everyone will recognize.
3. Two or three short stories. Each one a minute or so. Choose stories from different parts of their life or from different people, so it isn't only your view.
4. What they gave you, or gave everyone. One or two sentences, not a list.
5. A goodbye. Speak to them directly if that feels right, or echo something they used to say.

Read it out loud once you have a draft. Cut anything you stumble over or anything that sounds like a greeting card.

How long should a eulogy be?

Most eulogies run three to seven minutes, and five is a good target. The Emily Post Institute advises no less than two minutes and no more than eight to ten, and shorter when several people are speaking.

People commonly speak at around 125 to 150 words a minute. That makes a rough guide:

• 3 minutes: about 400 words
• 5 minutes: about 650 words
• 7 minutes: about 900 words

You'll probably speak more slowly than usual, with pauses. Time yourself reading it aloud, and ask the family or the officiant how long you have.

Writing for a parent, a spouse or a grandparent

For a mother or father, talk to your brothers and sisters before you write. Each of you knew a slightly different parent, and their stories keep the eulogy from being only yours. Ask your surviving parent too, gently, for a story from before you were born.

For a husband or wife, you knew them longer and more closely than anyone else in the room. You don't have to tell the whole marriage. One small, everyday thing, like how they made your coffee or what they said every time you got lost driving, can say what fifty years meant. If speaking feels impossible, write it and ask a child or a friend to read it.

For a grandparent, you can tell stories from your childhood, and also the stories they told you about theirs: the farm, the war, the first apartment. Grandchildren often hold the stories the rest of the family stopped asking about.

Can a eulogy be funny?

Yes, if they were. Laughter at a funeral is often a relief, and a funny story that's true to the person usually lands well. Keep it kind, keep it about them, and skip anything that would embarrass them or a guest. A good test is whether they would have laughed at it too.

What to leave out

• Inside jokes most of the room won't understand
• Family disagreements, money, and who did or didn't help at the end
• Medical details of the illness or death, unless the family wants them mentioned
• A full timeline of their life; the obituary and the program cover that
• Anything you're not sure the family wants said. Ask first.

When the relationship was complicated

Not every person was easy to love, and you don't have to pretend. Be honest without being unkind. Focus on what was true and good, even if it was small: "Dad wasn't an easy man, but he never missed one of my games." The people in the room who knew how hard it was will understand what you're saying.

An example eulogy

This example is fictional. It is about 200 words, around a minute and a half read slowly, and follows the structure above.

I'm Ruth, Walter's daughter. Dad would want me to keep this short, so I'll try.

If you knew Walter Hale, you knew his hands. He fixed every lawnmower on Elm Street and never took a dollar. He just asked you to stay for coffee while he worked. Most of us learned more about his life from those coffees than he ever told us straight.

My brother reminded me this week of the winter the furnace died. Dad wrapped us in his old Navy blanket, read Treasure Island aloud by flashlight, and did all the pirate voices badly. We didn't know we were poor that year. We thought we were on an adventure.

Mom told me something I'd never heard. On their first date he got lost driving her home and said, "Well, now we've got more time." He said it again, she told me, every time they took a wrong turn for fifty-one years.

Dad, we're a little lost right now. But you taught us what to do with that. Now we've got more time to remember you.

Thank you all for coming.

Notice what it does: one line to say who's speaking, one defining detail, a story from a brother, a story from the spouse in his own words, and a closing that uses his phrase.

On the day

• Print it in large type, 16 to 18 point, double spaced, with page numbers. Emily Post suggests extra-large type for a reason: you'll be reading through tears.
• Mark where to pause and where to look up.
• Bring water, and a tissue in your pocket.
• Have a backup reader. Give a copy to a friend or the officiant, and agree on a signal. Handing it over partway through is not a failure.
• It's fine to stop and breathe. The room will wait for you.

Afterward, give a copy to the family. Many people want to keep it, and it may end up in a scrapbook or read again at the graveside on an anniversary.

Keeping the stories you gathered

The stories you collect for a eulogy are worth keeping long after the funeral. Put them somewhere the family can find them: a shared document, a notebook, or a printed copy with the program.

If you'd like to set down your own memories of them in more detail, you can talk them through with Biographer, an AI interviewer and writer that works in a web browser by voice or typing. It asks gentle follow-up questions and writes what you remember as a story you can read, correct and share with family.

And if there's someone in your life whose stories haven't been written down yet, the questions to ask your parents and grandparents are a good place to begin, while you can still ask.